Domestic Abuse in a Marriage
As described in more detail elsewhere in this site, the collaborative process promotes a philosophy of cooperation, honesty, and the best interests of all involved, rather than advocating the personal agendas of each party. The success of the process greatly hinges on the ability of the parties to deal openly and honestly with one another, in good faith, without fear or feeling of intimidation or coercion. In order to accomplish the goals of the collaborative process, each party must perceive himself/herself to have equal power in the decision-making. The presence of domestic abuse in a relationship disrupts the power dynamic in a relationship. This imbalance of power will interfere with core principles of the collaborative process: mutual respect and trust, and equality in decision-making.


DA Defined: What is it?

Domestic abuse crosses all lines of ethnicity, race, age, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, religion, and socio-economic status. It is most commonly referred to as "domestic violence," which may include physical abuse from the less harmful (spitting, grabbing, tickling, squeezing, spanking, restraining, etc.) to more severe offenses which include sexual assault, punching, slapping, kicking, pushing, throwing objects, destroying property, or homicide and/or suicide. However, the term also describes a broader range of abuse which can be equally harmful to the victim.

Psychological/Emotional/Spiritual abuse: The most commonly described incidents of emotional abuse include severe and frequent name-calling and insults. The abuser may take control of the relationship and dictate responsibilities and chores, render ultimatums, abuse alcohol or drugs, engage in extra-marital affairs, and then blame their partners for their own misbehavior. Abusers may persistently threaten to hurt their partners or kids, in order to coerce them to act in accordance with their wishes. Such abuse may include destruction of property, violence toward pets, or other acts of intimidation. An abuser may demand that you attend the church of his/her choice, forbidding worship of any other religion. He/she may belittle your beliefs or tell you or the children that you will all go to hell for what you have or have not done. Your own spiritual needs are often attacked or altogether ignored.

Economic abuse: Has your partner insisted that he/she be in control of all your family finances? Has he/she run up huge debt without your knowledge, or made significant purchases without your input? Does your partner refuse to let you work, demand that you put all property in his/her name, and keep tight control over your spending? Or, does your partner expect you to work full time and be primary breadwinner and parent, but not allow you to have any say in the household expenditures, including denying your children the ability to participate in extracurricular activities?

Is there domestic abuse in my relationship?

In addition to the types of abuse listed above, ask yourself these questions:

What happens when you speak your mind and express your point of view to your partner?

When you and your partner fight and/or are angry with each other, what happens?

Has your partner ever prevented you from having contact with family or friends, or with your children?

Has your partner ever denied you access to money for food, shelter, medical needs, clothing?

Has your partner ever threatened to hurt or kill him/herself?

Do you ever feel afraid of your partner? What are you afraid your partner will do?

Does your partner have a history of mental illness or emotional problems?


Mental health issues:

Some relationships may have experienced periodic episodes of name-calling or extreme fighting, which may be infrequent and not really affect the balance of power between the parties. In these cases, the collaborative process may still be appropriate. High conflict in a relationship does not necessarily equate to an imbalance of power.

In other relationships, one party's poor mental health may lead the other to feel in a constant state fearfulness, watchfulness, distrust, and a feeling of being trapped. An abuser may him/herself have been the victim of abuse in childhood, and have developed personality disorders, the effects of which are perpetuated on his/her own family. The party may be clinically depressed, and alcohol and substance abuse frequently accompany the mental health condition. The issues can be addressed and even successfully treated with proper counseling, psychotherapy, or medication, but takes a concerted and ongoing willingness on the part of the abuser to make a change for the better. Rarely do these issues ever resolve on their own without significant mental health provider intervention.

It is certainly true that the mental health professionals in the collaborative process can explore and address many of the mental health issues that affect a family. However, some patterns of behavior are so extreme (frequent physical violence, the exercise of complete control of all household decisions, pathological lying, ongoing manipulation of the children, etc.), that the collaborative process may be doomed from the start. Without a level playing field, there can be no mutual trust and negotiation.


Temporary restraining order:

The need for a restraining order may have stemmed from a one-time occurrence of physical violence, or an ongoing pattern of violence. The difference between the two is substantial for purposes of collaborative practice. The former does not necessarily involve an ongoing imbalance of power, but may have been the result of a unique set of unfortunate circumstances which resulted in bad decision-making that led to violence. The latter is more indicative of an abuser/victim scenario, in which one party attempts to exercise control and clearly holds all the power in the relationship. The temporary restraining order attempts to lessen the control of the abuser, by forcing him/her to refrain from contacting the victim. A collaborative case may not be appropriate for relationships involving pattern violence, not only because of the true fear the victim feels toward his/her abuser, leading to decisions based upon fear and coercion rather than voluntary choice, but because the process generally involves the use of sessions in which the parties come together with their collaborative professionals. The TRO essentially precludes the parties' ability to be in contact. Even if the parties were to set aside the restrictions of the order, for purposes of collaborating, the underlying imbalance of power would not equally be set aside.


Links:

Domestic Abuse Intervention Services
www.abuseintervention.org
1-800-747-4445

Midwest Center for Human Services
Domestic Violence Resource Center
www.mchumanservices.com

National Family Violence Legislative Resource Center

www.nfvlrc.org

Waukesha Women's Center
www.twcwaukesha.org
1-888-542-3828

Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence
www.wcadv.org
(608) 255-0539